If my gf tries to make me drive her anywhere, I’m gonna guilt trip her with the harsh Saudi Arabian women driving laws.
I don’t call my house my crib because I’m not a fucking infant.
Things get really old really fast on the internet.
Like me, I started using it when I was ten and now I’m twenty ahhhhhhh
Should I buy my pal’s ipad? My heart says no but my penis says yes.
What’s worse, the ink stains or the semen stains in my sheets
My crazy ass gun-shooting party animal neighbors threw out a taxidermic caribou head and it’s just wasting away in their yard.
My pronghorn could’ve had a friend :/
I wish I could get all my tattoos at once because now they’re like 50 shades of grey…
Taking off the tape the next morning after a tattoo hurts more than the fucking tattoo.
I set the bar high for myself.
By setting the liquors on top of the fridge.
Men are All Disgusting Pigs and Women are Better in Every Way, a novel by Tumblr.
Good friends are when you can stop using that parent voice to their mom and dad.